i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Ketchup is God's man juice
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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