I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
