I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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