You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
