my phone needs a breathalizer
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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