party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
