I wanna bring you to show and tell
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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