worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
