Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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