Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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