Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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