if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
