I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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