the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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