you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
