My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
