So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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