Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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