soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
