best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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