how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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