my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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