I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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