Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
