we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
