my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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