im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
