me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize