apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
