the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
