i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
