Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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