it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
