if i can run in heels then i can drive
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
