the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
