are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
