life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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