I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize