I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
