He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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