honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize