I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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