I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
