Too much gin, very little bucket
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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