She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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