ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
