elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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