Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
