I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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