Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
