Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
