Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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