the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just had sex bonerless
false alarm. still invincible.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My bed smells like the plague
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