Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
