At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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