Where is the hickey?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
