His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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