im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize